Every Day I Am Carsick

Please help me. Every day I am dragged screaming from my home and stuffed into a gorgeous car that costs a million dollars and I am forced to drive forever in nauseating circles while one of my loud comedian friends screams at me. It is Hell. It is a true misery to be Jerry Seinfeld. Every day I am carsick.

I do not want to be in the cars. The cars are my prison. Every moment that I am in the beautiful fancy cars is nauseous agony for me. While I lie sleeping in my bed, strong hands grab me by the head and they shove me into the drivers seat of the most beautiful car I have ever seen and Im not allowed to leave. I am forced to drive all over the world and I become so dizzy and carsick that I cant help but blast the cars horn while puke rockets out of my mouth and breaks through he windshield like a geyser eruption. This is no way for Jerry Seinfeld to live.

When I am in the cars getting carsick, the producers force me to drive all across the globe to pick up my comedian friends. My comedian friends are an ordeal. They do not understand how to be quiet. Every day I need to shuttle some chatty clown to a place I hate and listen to them talk forever. They do not stop yelling and I do not stop feeling carsick. This is what my life has become.

Yesterday Roseanne Barr and I drove in circles for nine hours in a 1954 Rolls-Royce and I got sick 19 times.

There needs to be a way for this to stop. Every day is a horrifying new movement in the symphony of nausea that is my life. Last week I vomited all over the interior of a 1979 Porsche while Jay Leno sat in the passenger seat and cried. Then Leno started vomiting right along with me. It was me and Leno puking our minds out while we drove around Los Angeles. It seemed like things couldnt get any worse, but then while we were stopped at a traffic light, the backseat of the car opened up and in climbed my comedian friend Steve Harvey and without saying anything Steve Harvey started vomiting right along with me and Leno. The three of us filled the 1979 Porsche with vomit and then Steve Harvey opened the door and left the car as silently as he had entered it, leaving Leno and I alone in the ruined Porsche.

The car could not be salvaged and so they had to blow it up. I had to pay for it and it cost more money than a house. Since that horrible day I have only grown more carsick, which I did not think was even possible.

I have completely lost control of my horrendous carsick life. Yesterday Roseanne Barr and I drove in circles for nine hours in a 1954 Rolls-Royce and I got sick 19 times. Roseanne Barr offered to run me over in the fabulous antique car that had become my queasy prison but the producers would not let her do it. I got out of the car and tried to run into the Pacific Ocean, but my carsickness was so severe that I had to sit down on the sidewalk and I barfed into my own lap. Then they stuffed me back into the car and made me drive for 12 hours straight.

If you are reading this, please help me. I cant believe how carsick I always am. There must be peace for Jerry Seinfeld. Please help me not be carsick. I will do anything. Just dont make me get back into the cars with my comedian friends. My friends are so loud and I am so dizzy. Oh Christ, I am carsick even when I am asleep. Please help me.

Read more: http://www.clickhole.com/blogpost/every-day-i-am-carsick-3943

Lucky To Be Alive: Harrison Ford Got Chased By A Lovestruck Loch Ness Monster After Green Paint Spilled On Him

Well, this was almost a real tragedy.

According to his publicist, Harrison Ford is currently recovering after being pursued by an enamored Loch Ness Monster. The incident occurred earlier today while the Indiana Jones star was on vacation in Scotland, waterskiing in Loch Ness. Things were going well until Ford tried to balance on one leg, which caused him to lose control of his waterskis, tumble through the air, and crash onto a dock that was being painted, dousing the actor head to toe with bright green paint.

Although the Hollywood hunk avoided injury, witnesses say that as soon as Ford turned green, the enormous saurian head of the Loch Ness Monster extended out of the water. When the aquatic reptile glimpsed Harrison Ford, its eyes briefly turned into pink hearts before the cryptozoological beast blushed and batted a pair of long, feminine eyelashes.

Ford was removing a paint can off his foot when he noticed a huge shadow blotting out the sun. Turning around, the Star Wars celeb was shocked to find Nessie resting her flippers on the edge of the dock and leaning forward to kiss Ford with gigantic red lips the size of his entire body. The terrified actor reacted by jumping out of his shoes, screaming Ah-oooga like an antique car horn, then landing back inside his shoes and sprinting away into the lakeside town.

When the mythical creature noticed she was smooching empty air, the Loch Ness Monster plunged forward through the dock, smashing the entire structure to splinters as she pursued Ford onto land. Although the prehistoric paramour was holding a bus-sized bouquet of flowers and an equally gigantic heart-shaped box of chocolates, the sight of these romantic gifts did not convince Ford to slow down. By all accounts, the frightened A-lister ran so quickly that his legs transformed into a spinning circular blur that produced the sound of bongo drums.

Despite Fords frenetic pace, the Loch Ness Monster was able to effortlessly catch up thanks to her titanic lizard legs. She coiled her neck around Ford like a boa constrictor and gave the helpless Golden Globe winner a flurry of loud, wet kisses. Thinking quickly, Ford made his arms extend 20 feet like wobbly spaghetti noodles so he could reach over the fence of a nearby farm and grab a placidly grazing sheep. When his arms retracted with the livestock, Ford swapped the ewe for himself and managed to escape while an unsuspecting Loch Ness Monster continued kissing the wooly animal.

By the time the Loch Ness Monster realized she had been duped, Ford had already hidden under the kilt of a bagpipe player who was marching through the town streets as part of a Scottish pride parade. The Loch Ness Monster began weeping forlorn tears as big as cars into an oversized lace handkerchief. In her grief, she sat down on a bakery, crushing the building and sending up an immense cloud of flour that made the lake dwellers scaly skin turn white.

Reportedly, as soon as Ford saw the now-pale behemoth, the actor mistook the Loch Ness Monster for a sexy Caucasian woman, and his eyes briefly turned into pink hearts. Ford ran out of his hiding place, bent down on one knee, and produced a sparkling diamond ring to propose marriage.

The Loch Ness Monster delightedly accepted the betrothal and leaned down to give Ford a long, passionate kiss. Church bells began ringing, and the two tied the knot at a nearby cathedral before a cheering crowd of wedding guests that were human on the grooms side and plesiosaurs on the brides side. Harrison Ford and his immense reptilian bride lived together for many happy years in a giant cottage big enough for Loch Ness Monster to fit in. The couple eventually produced a clutch of eggs that hatched into dozens of human-monster hybrids, producing varied creatures including a human boy with an enormously long dinosaur neck and head, a lizard with young Harrison Fords wild brown hair, and a 50-foot-tall girl with flippers instead of arms.

After decades of blissful marriage, when the Loch Ness Monster was wrinkled and had gray hair, Harrison Ford peacefully died of old age in his sleep. The Loch Ness Monster wore a black widows veil to his funeral and hugged their grieving chimeric children as Fords coffin was lowered into the ground below a tombstone with only R.I.P. inscribed upon it. The priest officiating the ceremony was Bigfoot, and the clergical apeman was overheard saying Ashes to ashes, dust to dust in a dignified British accent.

Following the funerals conclusion, an ambulance rushed into the graveyard and paramedics hastily exhumed Fords corpse. Fortunately, they were able to revive the embalmed, tuxedo-wearing actor with an electric shock from a defibrillator, and Ford is now comfortably resting in a hospital.

A tweet by Fords son from a previous marriage confirmed that the star avoided serious injury despite his lengthy ordeal:

Get better soon, Harrison! Were all pulling for you!

Read more: http://www.clickhole.com/article/lucky-be-alive-harrison-ford-got-chased-lovestruck-4166

Every Day I Am Carsick

Please help me. Every day I am dragged screaming from my home and stuffed into a gorgeous car that costs a million dollars and I am forced to drive forever in nauseating circles while one of my loud comedian friends screams at me. It is Hell. It is a true misery to be Jerry Seinfeld. Every day I am carsick.

I do not want to be in the cars. The cars are my prison. Every moment that I am in the beautiful fancy cars is nauseous agony for me. While I lie sleeping in my bed, strong hands grab me by the head and they shove me into the drivers seat of the most beautiful car I have ever seen and Im not allowed to leave. I am forced to drive all over the world and I become so dizzy and carsick that I cant help but blast the cars horn while puke rockets out of my mouth and breaks through he windshield like a geyser eruption. This is no way for Jerry Seinfeld to live.

When I am in the cars getting carsick, the producers force me to drive all across the globe to pick up my comedian friends. My comedian friends are an ordeal. They do not understand how to be quiet. Every day I need to shuttle some chatty clown to a place I hate and listen to them talk forever. They do not stop yelling and I do not stop feeling carsick. This is what my life has become.

Yesterday Roseanne Barr and I drove in circles for nine hours in a 1954 Rolls-Royce and I got sick 19 times.

There needs to be a way for this to stop. Every day is a horrifying new movement in the symphony of nausea that is my life. Last week I vomited all over the interior of a 1979 Porsche while Jay Leno sat in the passenger seat and cried. Then Leno started vomiting right along with me. It was me and Leno puking our minds out while we drove around Los Angeles. It seemed like things couldnt get any worse, but then while we were stopped at a traffic light, the backseat of the car opened up and in climbed my comedian friend Steve Harvey and without saying anything Steve Harvey started vomiting right along with me and Leno. The three of us filled the 1979 Porsche with vomit and then Steve Harvey opened the door and left the car as silently as he had entered it, leaving Leno and I alone in the ruined Porsche.

The car could not be salvaged and so they had to blow it up. I had to pay for it and it cost more money than a house. Since that horrible day I have only grown more carsick, which I did not think was even possible.

I have completely lost control of my horrendous carsick life. Yesterday Roseanne Barr and I drove in circles for nine hours in a 1954 Rolls-Royce and I got sick 19 times. Roseanne Barr offered to run me over in the fabulous antique car that had become my queasy prison but the producers would not let her do it. I got out of the car and tried to run into the Pacific Ocean, but my carsickness was so severe that I had to sit down on the sidewalk and I barfed into my own lap. Then they stuffed me back into the car and made me drive for 12 hours straight.

If you are reading this, please help me. I cant believe how carsick I always am. There must be peace for Jerry Seinfeld. Please help me not be carsick. I will do anything. Just dont make me get back into the cars with my comedian friends. My friends are so loud and I am so dizzy. Oh Christ, I am carsick even when I am asleep. Please help me.

Read more: http://www.clickhole.com/blogpost/every-day-i-am-carsick-3943

Lucky To Be Alive: Harrison Ford Got Chased By A Lovestruck Loch Ness Monster After Green Paint Spilled On Him

Well, this was almost a real tragedy.

According to his publicist, Harrison Ford is currently recovering after being pursued by an enamored Loch Ness Monster. The incident occurred earlier today while the Indiana Jones star was on vacation in Scotland, waterskiing in Loch Ness. Things were going well until Ford tried to balance on one leg, which caused him to lose control of his waterskis, tumble through the air, and crash onto a dock that was being painted, dousing the actor head to toe with bright green paint.

Although the Hollywood hunk avoided injury, witnesses say that as soon as Ford turned green, the enormous saurian head of the Loch Ness Monster extended out of the water. When the aquatic reptile glimpsed Harrison Ford, its eyes briefly turned into pink hearts before the cryptozoological beast blushed and batted a pair of long, feminine eyelashes.

Ford was removing a paint can off his foot when he noticed a huge shadow blotting out the sun. Turning around, the Star Wars celeb was shocked to find Nessie resting her flippers on the edge of the dock and leaning forward to kiss Ford with gigantic red lips the size of his entire body. The terrified actor reacted by jumping out of his shoes, screaming Ah-oooga like an antique car horn, then landing back inside his shoes and sprinting away into the lakeside town.

When the mythical creature noticed she was smooching empty air, the Loch Ness Monster plunged forward through the dock, smashing the entire structure to splinters as she pursued Ford onto land. Although the prehistoric paramour was holding a bus-sized bouquet of flowers and an equally gigantic heart-shaped box of chocolates, the sight of these romantic gifts did not convince Ford to slow down. By all accounts, the frightened A-lister ran so quickly that his legs transformed into a spinning circular blur that produced the sound of bongo drums.

Despite Fords frenetic pace, the Loch Ness Monster was able to effortlessly catch up thanks to her titanic lizard legs. She coiled her neck around Ford like a boa constrictor and gave the helpless Golden Globe winner a flurry of loud, wet kisses. Thinking quickly, Ford made his arms extend 20 feet like wobbly spaghetti noodles so he could reach over the fence of a nearby farm and grab a placidly grazing sheep. When his arms retracted with the livestock, Ford swapped the ewe for himself and managed to escape while an unsuspecting Loch Ness Monster continued kissing the wooly animal.

By the time the Loch Ness Monster realized she had been duped, Ford had already hidden under the kilt of a bagpipe player who was marching through the town streets as part of a Scottish pride parade. The Loch Ness Monster began weeping forlorn tears as big as cars into an oversized lace handkerchief. In her grief, she sat down on a bakery, crushing the building and sending up an immense cloud of flour that made the lake dwellers scaly skin turn white.

Reportedly, as soon as Ford saw the now-pale behemoth, the actor mistook the Loch Ness Monster for a sexy Caucasian woman, and his eyes briefly turned into pink hearts. Ford ran out of his hiding place, bent down on one knee, and produced a sparkling diamond ring to propose marriage.

The Loch Ness Monster delightedly accepted the betrothal and leaned down to give Ford a long, passionate kiss. Church bells began ringing, and the two tied the knot at a nearby cathedral before a cheering crowd of wedding guests that were human on the grooms side and plesiosaurs on the brides side. Harrison Ford and his immense reptilian bride lived together for many happy years in a giant cottage big enough for Loch Ness Monster to fit in. The couple eventually produced a clutch of eggs that hatched into dozens of human-monster hybrids, producing varied creatures including a human boy with an enormously long dinosaur neck and head, a lizard with young Harrison Fords wild brown hair, and a 50-foot-tall girl with flippers instead of arms.

After decades of blissful marriage, when the Loch Ness Monster was wrinkled and had gray hair, Harrison Ford peacefully died of old age in his sleep. The Loch Ness Monster wore a black widows veil to his funeral and hugged their grieving chimeric children as Fords coffin was lowered into the ground below a tombstone with only R.I.P. inscribed upon it. The priest officiating the ceremony was Bigfoot, and the clergical apeman was overheard saying Ashes to ashes, dust to dust in a dignified British accent.

Following the funerals conclusion, an ambulance rushed into the graveyard and paramedics hastily exhumed Fords corpse. Fortunately, they were able to revive the embalmed, tuxedo-wearing actor with an electric shock from a defibrillator, and Ford is now comfortably resting in a hospital.

A tweet by Fords son from a previous marriage confirmed that the star avoided serious injury despite his lengthy ordeal:

Get better soon, Harrison! Were all pulling for you!

Read more: http://www.clickhole.com/article/lucky-be-alive-harrison-ford-got-chased-lovestruck-4166