Pink accepts the Video Vanguard Award with a stunning performance


Since her 2000 debut, Pink set herself apart as a unique pop star. She was no Christina Aguilera or Britney Spears. Her masculine style and angry anthems garnered a lot of hate, while also catapulting her into the spotlight. Pink’s classics like “Don’t Let Me Get Me,” “So What,” and “Sober” worked because Pink mastered the art of matching vulnerability with strength. Her 2017 MTV Video Music Awards medley performance on Sunday reminded us how much she has stayed true to herself and her artistry after all these years.

In a very Pink fashion, she showed up to the VMAs with her family in matching suits. Her Michael Jackson Video Vanguard performance opened with the artist singing her 2001 hit “Get the Party Started” on an old car. As the car began to float from the ceiling, Pink then transitioned to “Raise your Glass.” She rocked her signature short hair cut and pants that read “wake the F*#k up” on them.

In her acceptance speech, she shared a personal story about her daughter. The onstage UNICEF ambassador recalled a time her daughter expressed that she thought she was ugly: “I look like a boy with long hair,” she said. In response the singer compiled a PowerPoint dedicated to androgynous artists from Michael Jackson to Janis Joplin. With over 47 million albums sold, Pink made a successful career turning insecurity into self love and acceptance of outsiders.

“We don’t change,” the artist said speaking to her daughter from the stage. “We help other people to change so that they can see more types of beauty.” 

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Ford announces 2,000 scrappage scheme for pre-2010 cars – BBC News

Image copyright Getty Images

Ford is the latest car company to launch an incentive for UK consumers to trade in cars over seven years old, by offering £2,000 off some new models.

Unlike schemes by BMW and Mercedes, which are only for diesels, Ford will also accept petrol cars.

Ford said all of the part-exchanged vehicles will be scrapped, having an immediate effect on air quality.

Campaigners said it was a step in the right direction but the government had to do more.

‘Part of a journey’

Speaking on the BBC’s Today programme, Andy Barratt, chairman and managing director of Ford of Britain, said its scrappage scheme “is part of a journey” to improve air quality.

“We have some pretty large incentives here, up to £7,000 if you have a commercial transit vehicle,” he said.

“We’re the only scheme open to commercials. It is part of a journey.

“Air quality is a much bigger debate and getting older vehicles off the road is part of that.

“New technology, such as plug-in hybrids etc, are all part of that longer journey we need to work together.”

He denied it was simply a ploy to sell more cars.

Transitional phase

Consumers will be given £2,000 off new Ford models ranging in price from about £12,000 to more than £20,000.

Ford said that by combining the scrappage incentive with other standard offers, customers could receive up to £4,000 off a car or £7,000 off the cost of a van.

Under Ford’s scheme old cars, from any manufacturer, can be exchanged until the end of December.

The cars that can be traded in include any built to emissions standards that applied before 2010.

Vauxhall ran a similar scrappage scheme earlier this year, as well as in 2015 and 2016.

James Baggott, editor-in-chief of Car Dealer magazine, speaking on “Wake Up to Money” on BBC Radio 5 Live, said the scheme was good for Ford, for consumers and the environment because it meant the worst polluting cars were being removed from roads.

“It means people can swap one of these old, dirty diesels, which is going to be worth less than the £2,000 that they (Ford) are giving them in part exchange for it.

“They can buy a new Fiesta for I think around £10,700. That’s actually a good deal,” he added.

‘Cleaner electric’

Mr Baggott said new diesel engines were “extremely clean” compared with their older counterparts, so even just upgrading a diesel vehicle would help towards better air quality.

But he said this was a transitional phase: “We need to look to the future, to electric cars, hybrid cars, fuel cell cars. They are what we need to be looking towards.

“I would like to see schemes like this incentivising customers to buy cleaner electric vehicles.”

Peter Campbell, motor industry correspondent for the Financial Times, said greener options were still limited.

“Almost no-one on the market right now has an affordable electric car that can drive a decent range using its batteries before needing recharging.

“These cars are coming and will come in the next five years and all the carmakers have to meet these emission targets that are coming into force in 2021.

“What many people will do is use this to buy smaller cars, and to be fair to Ford, the new cars they’re selling – the new diesels, the new petrol – are orders of magnitude cleaner than the ones bought in 2009.”

Image copyright Getty Images

Overall strategy

The government’s clean air strategy announced in July did not include a scrappage scheme, although it proposed a consultation on it later in the year.

Instead, it said new diesel and petrol cars would be banned from 2040.

It made the announcement after losing a case against environmental law campaigners Client Earth over breaches in EU emissions standards.

Client Earth lawyer Anna Heslop welcomed Ford’s scheme but said it could not make up for lack of action by the government.

“It seems the motor industry is finally waking up to the damage dirty diesels are doing to our lungs as well as their own reputation.

“What we need is a thought-through, coherent strategy from government to help people to move to cleaner and more sustainable technology.

“At the moment, there are pockets of small, short-term actions here and there, but nothing like the joined-up thinking we need to solve this problem,” she added.

Steve Gooding, director of the RAC Foundation, agreed there needed to be an overall strategy.

“The problem with a scrappage scheme aimed at air quality, is that it really needs to be targeted at the vehicles that are driving around the most, in areas where air quality is a problem,” he said.

“Things like buses and trucks are particularly important and so are commercial vehicles too.”

Analysis: Richard Westcott, BBC transport correspondent

No-one could accuse the car industry of rushing to solve air pollution.

Manufacturers have long been accused of dragging their heels over plans to tighten the legal emissions test.

And for years, they happily sold cars that they knew were far more polluting on real roads than in the official lab test.

But companies are now taking the initiative with old car scrappage schemes.

Ford is the latest to offer a plan, and their version insists that the older, polluting car is destroyed rather than resold.

But the offer is only open until the end of December.

And let’s be frank, it is also an attempt to boost sales which have been flagging across the industry for the past four months.

It’s hard to see it making a big dent in the dirty air problem.

Ford, BMW, Vauxhall and Mercedes sell around one million cars in the UK.

The scrappage schemes will help support sales at a time when demand for new cars is beginning to show signs of a sustained drop for the first time in around six years.

In July, new car registrations fell for the fourth consecutive month in a row, hit by a number of factors including uncertainty over Brexit, and lack of clarity over future government plans around new levies on diesel models.

The UK’s last government-backed scrappage scheme came in the wake of the financial crisis and ran for nearly a year from mid-2009, helping to support the car sector which had been hit by nose-diving sales.

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14 Things That Will Inevitably Happen If You Date A Woman Who Loves To Travel

She can stand out of the crowd or be the one who prefers to sit quietly in the corner. She has seen a lot and has a lot of stories to tell. She can be the type to disclose all of her most extravagant experiences upfront, or she may prefer to remain mysterious until the time is right. She is a traveler, and if you date her, you will be in for some adventures, both big and small.

1. Your schedule will always be filled

Travelers are planners at heart. They are always planning something, whether its a major getaway, a night out after work, or even a new activity to try out at home. When you date a woman who travels, expect your schedule to become as packed as hers. She lives to experience things, and breathes to be immersed in new cultures and activities. Shes the kind of person who, whenever she can, will take you to a French cooking class after work or to a nearby town youve never heard of on the weekend. Sometimes, your plans will change at the minute because something new or unusual came up and she want to go.

2. You will learn to dedicate time to yourself

Her travels have taught her to be comfortable with enjoying time by herself. She lives to be free, and believes that being at peace with yourself makes you a better person. If you want to spend time with your friends or family, she wont be upset. Rather, she will enjoy her alone time. And eventually, when she makes plans on her own, you will learn to enjoy solo time as well.

3. You will become more humanitarian

She has probably seen the worse of things such as a family of five living in a single-room hut, people growing their own crop to feed their families, and people who have to go to the river to wash their clothes. If you complain about something mundane like the dishwasher being broken, she will tell you stories about what she has seen and give you a reality check. Travelers learn to become compassionate; they always help people when they can. Dating one will turn you into someone who will learn to think about the hardships that many people in the world have to go through, and appreciate the lifestyle that you live.

4. Youll learn laugh at yourself and not take things too seriously

Youll go on adventures and do things that youre not exactly comfortable with. You will make a fool of yourself trying to order ice cream in a different language, or surprise yourself with the grass hat-making talent you never knew you had. People will laugh at the way you act and dress. You will laugh at the way other people do certain things. You will screw up directions, miss trains and misunderstand instructions. You may get frustrated. But then, you will realize that lifes like that, and its absurdities are what makes it worth living.

5. Shell choose adventure over Netflix and Chill

Shell stay in and catch some Netflix (or not) once in awhile. But she will be more content, and less bored, if you take her on more adventurous dates. Or even better, if you let her take you on an activity-filled date. Hit the town and try street food you havent tried before. Go for a photo walk in the in the woods or on the mountains. Take a painting class, or find a way to get creative at home.

6. She wont be impressed by expensive materials

She wont care about whether you drive a Porsche or some tiny old car. She has most likely traveled in run-down trains, cars with broken windows, and rickety scooters. She will just be happy if it can get her where she wants to go. She wont spend $100 on jeans because she knows that the train ticket she can get with that will be more worthwhile. There is no need to buy her an expensive watch; she lives in the moment and can define time by nature. Impress her by spending time with her, taking her to new places and trying new things with her.

7. You will achieve things you never thought possible

She will take you on adventures with her and encourage you to try things you never thought you would. Maybe youll conquer your fear of heights while paragliding, or swim with sharks and get closer to these giant creatures than youve ever imagined. Or, maybe youll realize you have hidden baking, artistic or athletic talents that you would not have discovered on your own.

8. You will grow as a person

You will walk alongside the rich and you will feel overwhelmed. Then, you will walk amongst the poor and feel grateful for everything you have. Whether youre at home or on the road, she will share her passion for trying new dishes, learning new languages and seeing the world in a different way. And every new perspective will shape you as a person.

9. You will feel like you cant keep up with her

She is always on the move. She always finds the best travel deals and leaves for trips on a short notice. If theres something interesting going on in town, a cultural festival, the opening of a new restaurant or a unique opportunity to learn something new, she wont want to miss it. She talks to strangers and is constantly expanding her network of those who share her passions. She makes friends everywhere she goes and has an extremely active social life. She will tell you about where she has been and about the crazy things she wants to do next. Just listening to her can get overwhelming. But dont give up. Support her in all that she does, because she will more than support you when you tell her about your crazy plans.

10. You will become better at teamwork

Sometimes in relationships, you have to compromise to make things work, especially if your tastes are a bit different. Sometimes, you may find it better to do things separately. Theres nothing wrong with that – thats just the nature of relationships. But sometimes, especially when traveling together, you wont be able to do things apart. You will find yourselves in situations where you absolutely have to meet each other halfway. Youll get lost in a foreign city or confused at some everyday activity and youll have no choice but to work with each other to find the solutions. Travelers are natural team players. Theres always room for teamwork development, and being with her is perfect for that.

11. You will learn to follow your dreams

She lives her life to the fullest and always follows her dreams. Once she envisions a destination, she will work hard to get there and when she does, she makes every minute count. Shell encourage you to talk about your dreams and ambitions and will support you on your journey there.

12. You wont settle down right away

Dont expect her to have a life plan. Sure, she might like the idea of settling down, starting a family and buying a house, but not now. Right now, her mind is on going with the flow. She wants to explore the world and be as spontaneous and free as she can. If you date a woman who travels, be prepared go where life takes you. Indulge in each other and all the pretty things that life has to offer. And when the time is right to settle, you will both know.

13. Sometimes, you will feel unneeded

She doesnt need you. Shes used to being faced with the unknown and dealing with problems by herself. She wont need your help to light the barbecue or fix her computer. She will turn down your offers to pick her up because she would rather enjoy the walk on the sunny day. Shes often told that shes too independent, and shes proud of it.

14. But most of all, you will know youre wanted

She knows a rare gem when she sees one. Shes not afraid to go to the extra mile for something that pleases her, and when she finds it, she treasures it and keeps it close to her heart. She doesnt need you, but she wants you. She will hold on to you, even if she is on the opposite side of the world. And you should hold on to her too, because a lifetime of adventures will come your way.

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Shaker Aamer: Last UK Guantanamo Bay detainee lands in Britain – BBC News

Media captionShaker Aamer has been held for 13 years, as Lucy Manning reports

The last British resident to be held in Guantanamo Bay has landed in the UK, having been detained for 13 years.

Shaker Aamer was held at the US military base in Cuba over allegations he had led a Taliban unit and had met Osama Bin Laden, but was never charged.

Downing Street said there were “no plans” to detain him after his arrival.

Mr Aamer said he felt “obliged” to everyone who fought for him to be released, and to “bring an end to Guantanamo”.

“My thanks go to Allah first, second to my wife, my family, to my kids and then to my lawyers who did everything they could to carry the word to the world,” he said.

“I am overwhelmed by what people have done by their actions, their thoughts and their prayers, and without their devotion to justice I would not be here in Britain now.”

Concern has been raised over the health of the Saudi national, 48, whose family live in London, and the BBC witnessed an ambulance arrive at the airport.

Number 10 said Prime Minister David Cameron “welcomes” the release of Mr Aamer, who has permission to live in the UK indefinitely because his wife is British.

It also said any necessary security measures “will be put in place”.

Image copyright PA
Image caption The plane, believed to be carrying Shaker Aamer, touched down earlier

The father-of-four landed at London’s Biggin Hill Airport shortly before 13:00 GMT.

Mr Aamer’s father-in-law, Saeed Siddique, said his release was a “miracle”.

“It’s a delightful day,” he told BBC News while admitting it was also a “surprise”.

Image copyright PA
Image caption An ambulance arrived at London’s Biggin Hill Airport ahead of Mr Aamer’s return
Image copyright Getty Images
Image caption Mr Aamer was detained at Guantanamo for 13 years

Mr Aamer, who was first held by US authorities in Afghanistan in 2001, maintains he was in the country doing charity work.

Since 2007 Mr Aamer, who claims he was tortured, has been cleared for release twice, by US presidents George W Bush and then Barack Obama.

It is understood Mr Aamer will go through standard immigration checks now he has arrived in the UK.

Mr Aamer’s legal representative Clive Stafford Smith told BBC News: “Shaker only wants the truth to come out he is not interested in persecuting anyone.

“His first priority is health – he really is in terrible shape.”

In letters sent to the BBC by his lawyers earlier this month, Mr Aamer described himself as “an old car that has not been to the garage for years”, saying the first thing he wanted once freed was a cup of coffee.


Media captionCampaigner Joanne MacInnes says Shaker Aamer ‘needs TLC on return

By Dominic Casciani, BBC home affairs correspondent

When the business jet carrying Shaker Aamer landed in London he was met by British officials.

His lawyers say he will need urgent medical and mental assessments. He may, like others who have been held at Guantanamo, be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.

While the PM has said Mr Aamer won’t be detained, it’s unlikely we will ever find out if MI5 separately decides to monitor him – by definition its work is secret.

Mr Aamer is said to be relaxed about such prospects and has asked his lawyers to make clear he believes he has a “contract” to honour with the people of Britain. Shaker Aamer’s return is the end of an astonishing and murky personal saga. But it’s by no means the end of the story.

The government’s long-promised investigation into substantial allegations that our agencies became mixed up in rendition and torture – unwittingly or otherwise – hasn’t happened.

Shaker Aamer and many others want to know the truth.

Who is Shaker Aamer?

What now for Guantanamo detainee?

Shaker Aamer in his own words

‘Falsely imprisoned’

Mr Aamer’s release has been welcomed by some human rights groups and a number of MPs – but others say serious questions remain unanswered.

Amnesty International said Mr Aamer’s alleged torture in front of British agents in Afghanistan was a very serious claim that required investigation.

Tory MP David Davis said he was keen to speak to Mr Aamer, saying: “When Mr Aamer is ready to talk, the Shaker Aamer All-Party Parliamentary Group, and I am sure many more MPs, look forward to seeing what he has to say about his detention.”

Media captionWho is Shaker Aamer and why was he held in Guantanamo Bay?

Shadow chancellor John McDonnell said: “Shaker was simply a man in the wrong place at the wrong time, a charity worker building wells in Afghanistan who was kidnapped, ransomed and falsely imprisoned.”

But Robin Simcox, a research fellow at the Henry Jackson Society – a think tank which supports liberal democracies and an interventionist approach to foreign affairs – said: “Any joy and relief at his release must be tempered by the fact that this is someone who has had very serious questions posed of his past connections and conduct.”

Lawyer and journalist Jonathan Foreman told the BBC Mr Aamer’s lack of a trial was “not so incredible” because he was “not detained in the same way as a criminal trial, he was detained on the battlefield as an unlawful combatant”.

‘Approved for transfer’

Mr Aamer was detained in Afghanistan by bounty hunters tracking down and handing over possible al-Qaeda suspects, shortly after the 9/11 attacks in the US.

He was detained on the same day his youngest son was born, and has never seen him.

Mr Aamer was first held by US forces at Bagram air base, near Kabul, where his lawyers say he was tortured. They say he made false confessions to end his torture.

In February 2002, Mr Aamer was transferred to Guantanamo Bay, where his lawyers say he suffered further abuse.

The US Department of Defense said on Friday a review had been conducted of Mr Aamer’s case.

“As a result of that review, which examined a number of factors, including security issues, Aamer was unanimously approved for transfer.” the statement said.

Some 112 people are still being held at Guantanamo, which President Obama has promised to close, the statement confirmed.

Guantanamo Bay is a US military prison in Cuba, set up during the “war on terror” in 2002 to detain what the US government called “enemy combatants”.

The first 20 detainees were transferred to the facility on 11 January of that year, and a total of 780 men have been held since then – the vast majority without charge or criminal trial.

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A tub of original McDonald’s Szechuan sauce sold for a stupid amount of money on Ebay

Ever since thesurprise season 3 premiere of Rick and Morty, fans have been jonesing for special edition Szechuan dipping sauce released by McDonald’s in 1998 to promote Disney’s Mulan. (If you have no idea what I’mtalking about, start here.)

Some fans tried making their own version of the sauce, while others made ovations to McDonald’s to re-release it. And at least one person with a bunch of money and very little patience apparently dropped $14,700 on a 20-year-old tub of original Mulan sauce on Ebay.

The seller wrote, “I just bought a really old car, while cleaning it I found a packet of this sauce. After watching the recent episode of Rick and Morty I went online to see if it was worth anything. Turns out it was.”

The buyer topped 186 other bids for the sauce,giving the seller enough cash to ditch that lucky20-year-old clunker and upgrade to something new or close to it. The seller’s only request was “I hope somebody who wants to eat some 20 year old gnarly sauce gets this. I would prefer not to sell it to a collector.”

Buddy, for that price it should be kept in a bank vault.

We think it’s only fair to point out that while it’s a cool stroke of luck for the seller, buying a packet of McNugget sauce for $14,700 is not a very Rick thing to do. Don’t get me wrong, Rick wants the sauce. But it’s more his style to win it in an intergalactic singing competition or gamblingwith some creepy-looking aliens. At the very least he’d use Jerry’s credit card.

He’d also definitely eat the sauce. So how about it, new owner of rare McDonald’s Mulan dipping sauce. Are you squanchy enough to be a Rick? Or are you gonna be a loser like Jerry. (P.S. Don’t sue us if you actually eat decades-old expired fast food.)

H/T Time

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Every Day I Am Carsick

Please help me. Every day I am dragged screaming from my home and stuffed into a gorgeous car that costs a million dollars and I am forced to drive forever in nauseating circles while one of my loud comedian friends screams at me. It is Hell. It is a true misery to be Jerry Seinfeld. Every day I am carsick.

I do not want to be in the cars. The cars are my prison. Every moment that I am in the beautiful fancy cars is nauseous agony for me. While I lie sleeping in my bed, strong hands grab me by the head and they shove me into the drivers seat of the most beautiful car I have ever seen and Im not allowed to leave. I am forced to drive all over the world and I become so dizzy and carsick that I cant help but blast the cars horn while puke rockets out of my mouth and breaks through he windshield like a geyser eruption. This is no way for Jerry Seinfeld to live.

When I am in the cars getting carsick, the producers force me to drive all across the globe to pick up my comedian friends. My comedian friends are an ordeal. They do not understand how to be quiet. Every day I need to shuttle some chatty clown to a place I hate and listen to them talk forever. They do not stop yelling and I do not stop feeling carsick. This is what my life has become.

Yesterday Roseanne Barr and I drove in circles for nine hours in a 1954 Rolls-Royce and I got sick 19 times.

There needs to be a way for this to stop. Every day is a horrifying new movement in the symphony of nausea that is my life. Last week I vomited all over the interior of a 1979 Porsche while Jay Leno sat in the passenger seat and cried. Then Leno started vomiting right along with me. It was me and Leno puking our minds out while we drove around Los Angeles. It seemed like things couldnt get any worse, but then while we were stopped at a traffic light, the backseat of the car opened up and in climbed my comedian friend Steve Harvey and without saying anything Steve Harvey started vomiting right along with me and Leno. The three of us filled the 1979 Porsche with vomit and then Steve Harvey opened the door and left the car as silently as he had entered it, leaving Leno and I alone in the ruined Porsche.

The car could not be salvaged and so they had to blow it up. I had to pay for it and it cost more money than a house. Since that horrible day I have only grown more carsick, which I did not think was even possible.

I have completely lost control of my horrendous carsick life. Yesterday Roseanne Barr and I drove in circles for nine hours in a 1954 Rolls-Royce and I got sick 19 times. Roseanne Barr offered to run me over in the fabulous antique car that had become my queasy prison but the producers would not let her do it. I got out of the car and tried to run into the Pacific Ocean, but my carsickness was so severe that I had to sit down on the sidewalk and I barfed into my own lap. Then they stuffed me back into the car and made me drive for 12 hours straight.

If you are reading this, please help me. I cant believe how carsick I always am. There must be peace for Jerry Seinfeld. Please help me not be carsick. I will do anything. Just dont make me get back into the cars with my comedian friends. My friends are so loud and I am so dizzy. Oh Christ, I am carsick even when I am asleep. Please help me.

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How To Make A Fire Pit BBQ Out of Car Wheels

Heres an awesome diy barbecue project where you can use old car wheels to do your grilling on!

No need for an expensive bbq grill to haul around, you can create this set up anywhere. You can probably even make a wintertime fire pit out of these.

Using old car rims to re-purpose as a barbie is a great concept as its shape and design are near perfect for grilling. Check out this video which reveals, from start to finish, how to transform used car wheels into barbecues.

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President Trump fills world leaders with fear: ‘It’s gone from funny to really scary’

Most of the world seems to agree a Donald Trump presidency is a disturbing possibility that would inflict unthinkable damage, Guardian reporters found

Dangerous, foolish, irrational, scary, terrifying, irresponsible, a clown, a disaster. These are just some of the words used to describe the prospect of a Donald Trump presidency by politicians, diplomats and analysts around the world.

As the businessman gave his first major policy address since becoming frontrunner for the Republican presidential nomination on Wednesday, Guardian correspondents in Washington and around the globe asked the international community whether it was prepared for the swaggering billionaire to occupy the White House.

Many said they still cannot believe the nation that elected its first black president just eight years ago will now rush to embrace a man who has offended Mexicans, Muslims and others. The possibility that Trump might actually win fills great swaths of the planet with dread with the apparent and notable exception of Vladimir Putins Russia with concerns over everything from trade to the nuclear trigger.

While Trump was delivering his speech in Washington, outlining a doctrine of naked self-interest that would shake the rust off Americas foreign policy, the heads of all the major UN agencies gathered in Vienna, Austria, for a strategy session with secretary general Ban Ki-moon, now in his last eight months in office.

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This Mans Inspiring X-Factor Audition Left The Judges In Tears Simon Couldnt Even Speak

This is truly a rarity.

Simon from the X-Factor is speechless after 21-year-old car mechanic Josh Daniel performs a song in tribute to his best friend who died two years ago. When it is time to comment on the performance, there is one judge who simply cant speak and requests that they go straight for a vote. The speechless judge was none other than Simon, who could be seen throughout the performance rubbing his eyes as he tried to hold back the tears. A very moving performance which all three judges were emotionally blown away by.

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Scream Recap: I Know What You Did Last Season

Welcome back to MTVs . If you were looking for a fun summer show to fill you with irrational anger and make you question the existence of man, youve come to the right place. In the time that has passed since last summer it would appear the residents of Lakewood have developed an even stronger and completely unfounded sense of invincibility. Were the majority of our friends brutally murdered by a serial killer three months ago? You bet! Will we perhaps lead more cautious lives as a result of it? Hell nah!

If you missed out on the premiere last week fear not, catching up his pretty easy. Heres how the Lakewood Six (thats right, Noah named them) were up to during the off season:

  • Emma spent three months in rehab after a full on public meltdown that people seem to be way less understanding about than they should be given the circumstances.
  • Noah co-opted Pipers podcast and turned it into , a weekly show in which he continues to dwell on the period of his life where he and his friends were stalked by a psychotic murderer. Jury is out on whether this is legal or ethical, but its probably cheaper than therapy so whatever.
  • Jake and Brooke became a secret couple. They had to keep it on the DL because of that one time Jake blackmailed Emmas dad and also because hes aggressively gay and a girlfriend would probably sabotage his Grindr game.
  • Audrey became a local hero for shooting Piper, but has had to deal with the internal guilt stemming from the fact that she was 100% an accomplice in that tiny murder spree that plagued the town for weeks.
  • Kieran has been living without a semblance of parental guidance since his father was killed and his shitty aunt cant be bothered to check in. He passes the time by throwing sad five-person parties and lets Jake and Brooke bang in his house. We all need a friend like Kieran.

Honestly the most offensive thing thats happened since last season ended is the introduction of that scraggly excuse for a mustache thats taken residence on Kierans upper lip.

This weeks episode opens directly where last weeks left off, with Emma rummaging around in the farmhouse of an abandoned pig barn that was at one point owned by her estranged uncle. You know, the kinds of activities that kids with raging PTSD typically engage in the second theyre out of rehab. Not pictured: Jake strung up in the barn outside with his organs spilling out of his stomach.

Thats right, the first death of the season befell the most entertaining and ridiculous character, so idk what Im supposed to focus on for three more months. RIP Jake, we will miss your unnecessary use of third person and twinkish good looks.

Inside, Emma discovers that whoever has been squatting in the barn house is completely obsessed with her. Whats fucking new in Lakewood. The walls were papered with photos of her ranging from childhood to present day, accompanied by newspaper clippings about her many brushes with dead. Honestly, you think shed be used to this shit by now, but maybe being stalked by a sociopath is something you dont ever really acclimate to.

She runs outside to tell Brooke, who at least has the self-preservation instincts to wait by the car, and her reaction is one that any sane person would have which is . Bless this tiny blonde doll for being the only rational person on this show.

Back at home, Emma tells her mom about what she just saw and her mom instantly reverts back into her face. You know, the only one she wore all last season.

Maggie fills Emma in on the details of the barn. It was, in fact, once occupied by the James family post-Brandon murders. They were virtually exiled from town due to the psycho relative thing and this desolate pig farm was the only place they could find peace. Definitely not murderers.

The reason Emma has been seeing the barn in her dreams is that she went a few times as a child when her mom would visit the family of the boy whose death she low-key caused. Im sure those were enjoyable interactions for everyone involved.

Emma: I cant believe you would keep something like this from me.
Emmas mom: Well its been a pretty common theme thus far, so I figured why not?

Like mother like daughter, Maggie suggests going right back to abandoned farm house in the middle of the night to get this all sorted out. How the FUCK are these people still alive.

Lo and behold, Emma and her mother find the walls completely clean and no masked murderer in sight. Emma begins to doubt herself. Is she crazy? Did she imagine it? Or did the cloaked figure she encountered come back and remove all the evidence before the police could get involved? One of these scenarios is clearly the answer, and its also the one that everyone ignores.

Kieran, the second sanest person on this show, suggests that Emma report this to the cops. Maybe now that his dad is dead, the police force will actually be capable of solving crimes. Probably not, but one can dream. Predictably, Emma is not down. Shes a masochist who prefers to suffer emotional and psychological trauma in silence.

Emma: The cops would think Im crazy!!
Kieran: I mean, yeah, but this would hardly rank amongst the many other reasons.

After shooting down that logical course of action, the lovebirds launch into a far too brief conversation about how maybe theyre all just going to be fucked up forever after the events of last season. No one seems to explore this train of thought enough. You should all be in rehab.

Kieran: You know when my dad first died I went through some weird shit too.

As Emma leaves we spot an old blue car slowly following her. Maybe this girl shouldnt be walking around town by herself at night, or ever??

At school the next day, Noah is updating Audrey with the latest news on her potential harasser. Shes been getting texts since last episode from an anonymous number who claims to know what she did last season. Noah thinks its Pipers accomplice come back to haunt them, and its getting comical how close this kid gets to being right without ever actually solving anything.

One of the commenters on claims to have seen the accomplice back when the first set of murders was going down. I would mock him for not reporting it to the police, but we all know that would have been about as effective as sealing his suspicions in a bottle and throwing it into the lake.

Actual footage of people trying to assist the Lakewood Police force last season:

In reality, this commenter is bad news for Audrey. In case you forgot, she was the actual accomplice and that kind of information would be grounds for kicking her out of the Lakewood Six. And probably also enough to send her to jail, but lets not get ahead of ourselves here.

Speaking of, the Lakewood Six (now five, not that they know that yet) have finally fucking realized that Jake is missing. Considering that just three months ago, being missing for five minutes was a resolute death sentence, youd think theyd all be a little more concerned. But everyone is just likeWho needs murderous enemies when you have friends like this?

Brooke: I havent heard from Jake in 24 hours. Do you think its because of our breakup, or could he actually be in danger?
Everyone else: \_()_/

Between the escalating text threats and looming fear of discovery, Audrey is starting to really lose it. She attacks Hayley, the girl who staged that movie theatre prank last episode, in the hallway at school and this bitch still has the audacity to act self-righteous.

Audrey: Are you still messing with me?
Hayley: Oh my god I recreate your traumatic near death experience ONE TIME and suddenly Im the asshole.

Noah, the one character on this show who is supposed to be eerily attuned to the behaviors and personalities of serial killers, cant seem to catch on to the supreme murder vibes his best friend is giving off. Like, you literally have ONE job.

Emma accidentally blew off a meeting her new tutor due to the events of the night before. Everyone knows shes not crying wolf, but this whole constant prey thing is still getting old.

I think Im going to peg this girl Zoe as my first official suspect based solely on the glare she laid on Emma that was far too intense for a missed study session. Her second strike: shes clearly got a crush on Noah. A red flag if Ive ever seen one.

Ignoring the blatant PTSD that the majority of the student body is probably suffering from, this new psych teacher has decided to delve into nightmare study the second her most traumatized student returns to school. Clearly Lakewoods only qualification for teachers is a well-thought-out answer to the question How badly can you fuck up our students?

Glaring negligence to her students psyche aside, Emma still takes the teacher up on her offer to talk. Yes, Emma. Continue to confide in and build relationships with strange women who show an interest in your personal life. Its always worked out for you in the past.

Emma meets a stranger in the completely empty school hallway who has zero qualms about coming off as a total creep to the girl who was very notoriously stalked just months before. At some point Emma might figure out that she should stop speaking to strangers, but I doubt that day will come any time soon.

The stranger admits to knowing Emmas name because everybody does. Uh, sure, but I wouldnt even address a major celebrity by their first name without introducing myself first. Its called fucking manners, new kid who looks like a backwater relative of Elijah Wood.

He cryptically tells Emma that he might be starting school there soon. Why are non-students allowed to roam the hallways in a school that just suffered a major murder epidemic? Where is the security? Why do I continue to have such high expectations for this incompetent town? We may never know the answer to these questions.

Speaking of a town doomed for failure, it would appear that everyone has just kind of let all of the mayors shady activities from last season slide. Hes at a coffee shop with his daughter (Brooke) planning out their next photo-op. Nothing solves a murder scandal like a well-timed PR stunt.

Brookes Dad: Youll be at Lakewood Days, yes?
Brooke: I suppose it wouldnt kill me. Haha. Get it? Because it might actually kill me.

After Brooke leaves we see that her dad is reading through his texts with Jake. Whatever chore Jake was off performing to win Brooke back was clearly at the request of the mayor, which will only give Brooke one more reason to resent her father once Jakes body shows up.

Kieran arrives home after school to find the new sheriff, who apparently knows how to do his job. He finds out that a minor, and member of the Lakewood Six no less, is living alone on the outskirts of town and actually goes out to do something about it. Can you imagine!

Sheriff Acosta has called in Kierans absent Aunt Tina, who promises to take care of things. In this case, taking care of things means moving Kieran home with her to Atlanta. I have no idea how far away Atlanta is from this fictional town, but the answer is probably not far enough. Why any of the almost victims still live here is beyond me. Literally the entire population of Lakewood should have relocated by now. Burn it down.

Brooke heads to the police station to file a missing persons report for Jake, something that his parents probably should have done by now, but sure. I get that theyre out of town, but this is 2016. If you cant get ahold of your teenager once over the course of four hours, hes probably dead.

She runs into the sheriffs creepy-ass son Gustavo, her clear next love interest. The pros: this one might actually be straight. The cons: he seems pretty murdery. Take what you can get, Brooke. Gustavo reveals that hes ranked the Lakewood Six by level of importance, Jake coming in at six and Brooke at five.

Brooke: Um, I was stabbed and locked in a freezer.
Gustavo: Yeah, that Noah kid has a raging boner for murder.
Brooke: Fair enough.

Just as Brooke is about to walk into the Sheriffs office, Gustavo pulls out his phone and sends a message. Moments later, Brooke receives a text from Jake. Not suspicious at all. Fake Jake wants to meet up tonight for sexy times. There was no use of third person in the text, so idk how Brooke didnt catch on immediately. Before leaving, she has some parting words for Gustavo.

Brooke: You dont know anything about the Lakewood six.
New Kid: I know that you gave yourselves a pretty fucking douchey nickname.

Outside, she finds a large bouquet of roses and an apology note on her car. Dead Jake seems like a way better boyfriend than alive Jake, tbh.

Emma and her teacher rendezvous in the coffee shop Emma used to work at for their impromptu therapy sesh. It might be a nice gesture if the shady bitch wasnt recording their entire conversation. Luckily, she doesnt get much because Emma sees a girl who looks vaguely like Piper and has a full on meltdown.

Emma: I cant believe that I ever thought I could come back to this place again.
Teacher: Well to be fair, I think its the only coffee shop in town.

Emma goes on and on about how she confided in Piper, a near stranger, and almost died because of it. Glad to see youve learned you fucking lesson on that one.

Afterwards she heads to Kierans house and runs right into the stranger from the hallway. It turns out his name is Eli and hes Kierans cousin. Pretty unfairly stacked gene pool going on in this family if you ask me. Emma has come to say goodbye to Kieran but also to wrangle him into another dangerous situation because this girl clearly wants to die.

Emma: Before you leave theres something I want to do and I dont want to do it alone or with anyone else.
Kieran: Is this a sex thing?
Emma: The exact opposite of a sex thing.

She takes him to the dock where her final battle with Piper went down. Why Emma insists on confronting all of her fears at isolated locations in the dead of night is so fucking beyond my realm of comprehension. She sees the killer across the lake, but then closes her eyes because she assumes shes imagining it. Spoiler alert: shes not. When her eyes open, the killer is gone. Well, that solves it! All is well in Lakewood! End of Season 2!!

This brief triumph is a real mood booster apparently, because the two of them start passionately making out on the dock where Emma killed her sister. Ah, young love. They take the show to the car, where some tender teenage love-making occurs. Emma is super self-conscious about the tiny scar on her washboard abs. Im not a doctor, but I think that when you get slashed across the stomach with a butcher knife, theres a little more to show for it than that.

Inside, Eli is trying to convince his mom to move into Kierans, because apparently their life in Atlanta is pretty shitty. Im sure there are no creepy ulterior Emma-related motives there.

Meanwhile, Brooke is either getting ready for her faux-reunion with Jake or prepping for her audition. Either way, bring back this look. Her Dad walks in, thinking theyre heading to Lakewood Days, and honestly mad props to him for not keeling over on the spot.

In one fell swoop she tells her Dad that shes bailing on their plans and dating the kid who extorted money out of him. He takes it better than expected, but thats probably because the multiple strokes hes suffering from having to stare at his daughters laced up cleavage make it difficult to express any kind of emotion.

Sticking with the theme of lets rendezvous in questionable locales, Noah is waiting for Audrey in the parking lot of the seedy motel where his mystery commenter works. She never shows, presumably because it would make it pretty easy for the desk clerk to ID her as the accomplice, so Noah goes in by himself. Before he can get any real information, though, the witness receives a call from the murderer. Just kidding, its Audrey, calling from across the street using the voice modulator app that Im really hoping she deleted after Piper got caught. You think that maybe the police would have thought to check the download histories of potential suspects, huh? Well then, both yours and my expectations are far too high for this show.

Fresh from their romantic romp in the car, Kieran and Emma are greeted by Aunt Tina, who reveals that she and Eli will be moving in. Hurray, Kieran can stay! Double hurray, his questionable cousin will now have near constant access to Emma!

Freshly empowered from overcoming her trauma/sex with her crazy hot boyfriend, Emma decides to WALK HOME BY HERSELF IN THE DARK.

Kieran: You sure thats a good idea?
Emma: Im an independent woman.
Kieran: I mean, sure bu

She at least calls her mom on the way home, which serves to distract her from the slowly idling car behind her. I thought I had the worst survival instincts on the planet, but Emma honestly makes me look like Bear Grylls.

Shocking no one, the car begins to aggressively chase her and the circuitous escape route she takes leads to them facing each other chicken style in the middle of the road. No one in the main square of this town has noticed a beat up old car screeching around corners after a teenage girl. Lakewood out here making Westeros look like a safe place to live.

Emma screams at the car.

the driver hopefully screams back.

Turns out its not a serial killer, just her estranged father who thought the best way to overcome that awkward initial interaction was to chase her Christine style around town.

Mr. Duvall: I was just trying to figure out the best way to approach you.
Emma: Stalking me in a strange car at night was probably not the way to do it but ok.

As per usual, the episode closes with a creepy voiceover from Noah, this time detailing the recent advances in his search for Pipers accomplice.

Noah: Ive had a few setbacks.
Noah: Its almost like someone is trying to stop me from discovering the truth.
Noah: Tbh, I have a feeling Im not going to like what I find.
Noah: If I was smart, Id probably just stop searching.
Noah: .
Noah: lol nah

While he continues to narrate, story lines are wrapped up all around town. Emma tells her mom about the ill-timed and completely inappropriately carried out return of her father. Gustavo watches from the bushes as Brooke waits outside Jakes clearly empty home. Most interestingly, Audrey breaks into a storage locker that looks to be filled with hanging car air fresheners. Tacky at best, severely ominous at worst.

Behind the air fresheners lies the source of the awful smell that apparently only 30 pine scented tree tags could cover: Jake. He was left there for Audrey to find with a note pinned to his chest, cut from her own letters, and organs spilled all over his lap. There goes our hope for a fake out.

Death Count: One. Deuces, Jake.

Current suspect: No one who looks guilty in the second episode is going to be the actual murderer, so Im skipping the obvious choices of Gustavo and Eli and sticking with my original prediction, Zoe. Dont trust anyone who claims to be that invested in dream analysis.

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